Burning
by moosmiles
Summary: AU. Clare has been locked up in a studio apartment with a newborn for the past three weeks and she isn't sure how much more she can take.
1. Prologue

_Title: Burning_

 _Rating: M_

 _Chapter: 1. Prologue_

 _Fandom: Degrassi: The Next Generation_

 _Summary: AU. Clare has been locked up in a studio apartment with a newborn for the past three weeks and she isn't sure how much more she can take._

 _Comments: Clare and Eli never had a miscarriage. Their son is named Adam Jacob Goldsworthy._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the idea._

"Fuck -"

"Adam -" A gasp fell out of Clare's lips and she shifted the infant in her arms to cup under her breast as if her own hand would ease the pain. "Ouch. Easy, Bud." She shrugged slightly, trying to loosen his lips as he nursed.

Clare looked down at the tiny little face nestled against her breast and stroked his dark hair. "You don't even have teeth." She took a deep breath and let out a sigh, shaking her head with an eyeroll. She closed her eyes just as she heard the knob to the door jiggling across the room.

"Clare."

Clare looked up across the room from where she sat folded up in bed, a boppy pillow supporting the baby beneath her. She gave an exhausted smile, tilting her head to the side. "Hey Eli."

Eli closed and locked the door behind himself before crossing the room. He dropped his bookbag on the floor meaninglessly on the short trip from the door to the bed. He stood at the edge of the bed and held a shaky arm out, cupping the back of their son's head. His eyes met Clare's and he smiled. "Want me to take him?"

Clare nodded when his offer registered, looking down at Adam, trying to pry his mouth off her nipple with a pinch of her fingers. "Yeah. He's already done both sides." She let out another hiss, waiting for the uncomfortable sensation to go away, and handed the baby to his father.

Eli carefully swaddled him close and kissed the top of his head. "Hello Adam. I missed you so much," he whispered, walking over to the dresser, which her mother had suggested they put a changing pad on top of. He laid Adam down, starting to change him, as he whispered about his day to the infant.

Clare slouched comfortably against the pile of pillows resting behind her as she snapped her nursing bra back into place. She slipped Eli's skull ring from her left hand to her right so that she would remember which side Adam had last nursed on – an idea CeCe had given her. She watched her boyfriend, sighing a romantic huff. He killed her every day he came home from the comic book store and would immediately latch onto their son.

Eli hushed their son as he cried from the chilly air of the apartment, a sound Clare hadn't even noticed, until she heard Eli try to comfort him, since she was so used it. Once done diapering, he carefully wrapped the babe up in his arms and bounced his way back to their bed. He sat down beside Clare, kicking off his shoes.

"Feeling better today?"

Clare opened her eyes to look at Eli. "I'm fine." She saw him bite down on his lip as he turned back to the bundle in his arms. "What?" she asked, knowing she would have to pry him apart to get the words out.

"Fine, as in you spent all day crying again."

Clare looked down at her lap, feeling her eyes start to grow blurry with tears.

"Or, fine, as in you guys had an actual good day together."

"Eli, I'm fine," she replied sharply, removing the nursing pillow from around her waist. She reached out and carefully placed it under Eli's arms to help support their son.

Eli shifted Adam in his arms and gave her a small appreciative smile. "Clare, it's okay if you have a little baby blue hoos. The doctor said it was normal to be emotionally unstable." He saw the anger flash across her face and immediately regretted his words.

"Emotionally unstable," Clare repeated every syllable slowly.

"Clare -"

"I am not emotionally unstable." Clare got up from their bed. "I am stuck in a room of four walls with a screaming child who only stops when he's finally latched on to my breast!"

"Clare, plea -" Eli got up and started to sway to keep their son asleep.

"I don't get to take him outside because it's below freezing and he's too little! He would freeze to death!" Clare shouted, stomping over to the kitchenette where she had left her cup of, now cold, tea.

Eli shrugged, laying Adam down in the bassinet beside the bed as carefully as he could. "So next time, we won't get pregnant in the spring," he joked.

Clare glowered at him from across the room, the cup of tea shaking in her hands. "Next time!?"

"Clare," Eli shook his head, crossing the room to her as quickly as he could, afraid she was about to chuck the mug across the room at him. He pried the mug from her hands and set it on the counter. He took her hand in his and started stroking her arm up and down with his other. The way he had the moment she had realized they was in labor, a couple of weeks before. "Stop. Breathe."

Clare felt his hands on her and, even such innocent touches, had her resolve shattered. She closed her eyes, letting herself cry again. For the hundredth time that day. For the millionth time since she had returned home with Adam. The umpteenth since giving birth to Adam.

Eli dropped her hand and wrapped his arms around her, stroking her shoulder-length, disheveled curls. Clare clutched the backs of his shoulders, dropping her head against his chest to weep.


	2. Chapter 1

_Title: Burning_

 _Rating: M_

 _Chapter: 2. Chapter 1_

 _Fandom: Degrassi: The Next Generation_

 _Summary: AU. Clare has been locked up in a studio apartment with a newborn for the past three weeks and she isn't sure how much more she can take._

 _Comments: NA._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the idea._

Clare didn't even remember Eli getting her into bed, but she was suddenly shooting upright from under the covers at the startling sound of Adam's crying.

Eli placed a hand on her leg through the bedsheets, hushing, "It's okay, Honey. I got this." His voice was gruff and his hair was ruffled, as if he had also been asleep. As he rolled out of their bed, she realized the only light in the apartment was glimmering through the edge of the blinds from the streetlamps.

Silence filled the apartment as Eli climbed back into bed with Adam in one arm. "He just wanted to be held," he murmured, laying back down beside Clare.

Clare glanced at the digital clock and groaned, not wanting to be a cow again. "It's been four hours since he nursed. He has to get above his birth weight, still." She sat up, fixing her pillow for better support.

"He's fine."

Clare rolled her eyes and carefully pried the three week old child from her boyfriend's stone grip. "He needs to eat, Eli."

"He was nine pounds when he came out."

"Yeah, I know. He literally fucked up my vagina on the way out."

Eli peeked an eye open as Clare finally struggled Adam out of his arms and into her own. "Y'know. If you would pump, like I suggest -"

"Nipple confusion," Clare interjected before he could get the idea out. She winced a little at the feeling of her son latching again. "And he's finally latching like he should be."

Eli sat up in bed and wrapped an arm around his girlfriend's shoulders, holding her bicep in his hand. "Clare, if you -" He paused when he felt her shrug her shoulders to push him away, but he stroked the length of her arm with his fingertips. "I love you," he whispered instead, his nose nestling in her hair.

Clare only nodded, her eyes glued to Adam nursing on her in the dark.

Eli laid a soft kiss on her cheek through her hair. He was about to pull away when he heard her sniffle. He sighed, gripping her closer. "Clare, it's okay. If you can't nurse. If you can't stop crying. If you can't go on without sleep. If you need a break. I'm here for you. Adam will not hate you for taking care of yourself."

Clare sniffled again, shuddering in Eli's arms. "It's not that."

Eli waited a moment, expecting her to continue, except she didn't. He stroked her hair back out of her face, whispering, "It's okay, Clare." He hushed her again as she laid her head on his shoulder to cry. He had never seen her so pathetic before. Even during the worst days of her chemotherapy, she was strong while his own resolve would be on the verge of breaking. Now, she was withering in his arms, weeping, with a baby attached to her chest. She was breaking his heart. "I'll take tomorrow off. Unless he's eating, you can relax. Okay?" He didn't wait for her to answer before he got up, grabbing his phone off the nightstand, and walked into the bathroom to call off for work, even though it was around midnight.

Clare shivered at the sound of the bathroom door closing, stroking shagging black hair on her son's head. She bowed her head down, whispering, "I love you."

DTNG

"We shouldn't be doing this." Clare stood beside her boyfriend, her arms crossed over her chest, a frown plastered over her face.

Eli piled another blanket on top of Adam, who was fast asleep in his car seat. "It's fine. We're just going out to the car. It's not like we're walking to your parents' house." He carefully shoved both the blankets around his son, hushing quietly as if he were awake.

Clare chewed on her thumbnail while she watched Eli put the thermal cover over the car seat so that the heat would be trapped in with their son. She was already bundled in her coat and had her winter boots and hat on.

She handed Eli his leather jacket as he stood up straight. He shrugged it on, leaving it unzipped, and took the car seat handle in his hand. He shot her a crooked smile. "Ready, my loves?"

Clare's mouth twitched into a small smile as she grabbed both her purse and the diaper bag. "Let's go." She opened the door and walked through, locking the door after Eli stepped into the hallway. She followed him down the stairs to the main floor.

Eli stopped in the lobby, furrowing his brow. "Do you want me to pull up?" he offered before she could walk outside.

Clare shook her head, biting down on her bottom lip. "It's only a block, right?"

"Uh, barely. Right at the end of our street." Eli gave her a reassuring smile and walked through the double doors of their building, leading her towards their car. He heard whimpering from the car seat in his hands and started swinging it a bit. "Shhhh. I know, Buddy. We're goin' in the car. You love the car."

Clare sighed in relief when she saw Eli's Cadillac, taking larger steps through the snow. She pulled the keys out of her coat pocket and unlocked the car. As soon as she was close enough, she opened the backseat to help Eli. He gave her a gracious smile as he snapped the car seat in place while Clare hovered over his shoulder the whole time.

Eli stepped back, shutting the door quietly. He snatched the keys out of her hand, pecking her on the cheek. "Alright, Little Miss Anxious Mommy. I'm driving."

 **DTNG**

Clare sat on the bed in the room her step-father had turned into a guest room; her old bedroom. She had Adam pressed against her bare breast as he slept. His head tilted into the crook of her elbow and his mouth twitched into a smile. She bit down on her bottom lip to keep from smiling. It was just a reflex; she told herself. But still, it made her heart stop.

"I love you." Her voice was quiet, trembling.

She hadn't felt the instant connection to her son that everyone had told her about, which her doctor reassured her was normal. But she still loved moments like this. Where everything was still and she imagined that he could actually smile, assuring her that she was acing this parenting job.

And then the silence was ruined by a gentle whimper. Adam's face scrunched up. Clare rushed to fix him back onto her breast, lulling her nipple into his mouth. "Shhhhh. Mommy's got you. You're so hungry," she murmured, gently rocking from side to side.

A gentle knock added to the noise and the door popped open.

"Clare."

Clare lifted her head and smiled. "Hi Mom."

Helen was standing in the doorway, watching her daughter. She smiled warmly and made her way across the room. She sat down in front of Clare on the bed. "How are you feeling?"

Clare nodded, looking back down at Adam. He had relaxed and was, once again, nursing. "Do I ever get to stop breastfeeding?" she complained, suddenly. "I feel like I'm either nursing or diaper changing."

Helen let out a small laugh. "Oh, honey. It's okay." She reached out and brushed Clare's bangs out of her eyes. "Eli told me that you've had a rough few weeks."

Clare pressed her lips into a thin line, glancing up at her. "That's why you want to talk to me." It made sense, interrupting a private moment with her son.

"You know, I only nursed Darcy for a couple of weeks before I gave up. I knew by the time I had you that you would be on formula."

"Mom," Clare snapped, glaring at her mother. "I'm breastfeeding _fine_." She could feel her body start shaking again and bit down on her bottom lip to keep the tears at bay.

Helen frowned, holding her arms out to take her grandson. "Why don't I put him to sleep?" she suggested. "You can go eat. Take a shower. There's still some of your old clothes in the closet."

Clare reluctantly passed her son over. She waited in bed, watching her mother walk out with her son before she closed her eyes, sliding down on top of the sheets.

"Clare."

Clare groaned at the sound of Eli's voice and mumbled, "Eli, don't."

She felt fingers comb through her hair and forced her eyes open to look up at him, finding concerned green eyes. She leaned into his touch, sighing softly.

Eli leaned down and pecked her on the mouth. She moaned softly, grabbing onto his bicep to pull him down on top of her. He gasped, pulling his head back, as her mouth sucked on his jaw. "Clare. Fuck." He shivered, his eyes rolling to the back of his head, when she bit down on his neck. "You, uh."

Clare flipped them over so that he was on his back. She started to undo his skinny jeans, kneeling in front of him.

"Clare, you haven't been cleared." Eli reached down to zip his pants back up, but she swatted his hands away.

"I can blow you all I want." Her voice was venomous as she tugged his pants down to his knees, his boxers quickly following.

Eli groaned, clenching his eyes shut. He bit down on his bottom lip and looked down at his girlfriend between his knees. "Clare." He grasped her curls in his hand before her mouth or hands could touch the sudden throbbing between his legs and gave a gentle tug to pull her up to him. She reluctantly sat up on her knees, her hands resting on his chest.

"I love you," Clare murmured, leaning in to kiss him. He tilted his head to the side, his breath caught in her mouth. When she pulled away, she winced slightly. "I look desperate."

Eli shook his head, chuckling, as he fixed his boxers and pants. "No. Not desperate." He brushed her hair out of her face. "Sexy, definitely surprising, but not desperate." He saw her bite down her lip while her face flushed. "If you bite your lip like that, I might have to do something about that." When her bottom lip popped out from under her teeth, he brushed his thumb across it. She closed her eyes, sighing softly. "God, I want to throw you on this bed and fuck you." He suddenly lunged forward, forcing her onto her back, her face now in both of his hands. She gasped his name as he hovered on top of her, his lips barely touching hers. "Say it again." He forced his lips on the skin behind her helix piercing.

"Eli." His name came out as moan this time. Her eyes shut tight as his lips wrapped around the ring hooked to her ear and gave a gentle tug. She was about to let out another moan when his lips suddenly disappeared. She opened her eyes and found him with his head on her shoulder. "You stopped," she pouted.

Eli lifted his head, giving her a pointed look. "Your doctor's appointment is in two days. You have to wait until we find out how you've healed."

Clare grimaced. She was still emotionally scarred over the fact that Eli had seen her body get ripped and sown back together in the hospital room and his constant reminder was killing her mood. "Fine." She shoved him off and finally slid out of her old bed.

Eli watched her walk out of the room and sighed heavily. "Dammit."

 **DTNG**

Eli walked out the bathroom and was pleasantly surprised to find Clare sitting in bed on her laptop, typing silently. He turned his head and smiled when he saw Adam fast asleep in his bassinet. He unwrapped the towel around his waist and rubbed it through his dripping hair. "You got him down on your own."

Clare snapped her head up and nodded. "Yeah. I know how to care of my son, Eli."

Eli pulled on his boxers and an old Dead Hand shirt. "Usually you just ask me for help." He set his towel on the already crowded dresser.

Clare was looking at her computer again, but somehow noticed his actions. "Hang it up in the bathroom."

Eli rolled his eyes, but did as she asked, stepping back inside the bathroom to put the towel away. He walked back out, offering, "Do you want to take a shower? I mean, since he's asleep."

Clare shook her head, but no words came from her mouth.

Eli climbed back into bed and sighed, watching her stoic face. "You know I want to have sex with you, right?"

Clare turned to face him. "Are we really going to talk about this?" She saw him biting his lip and closed her eyes, trying not to feel more sexually frustrated. "Oh my god, Eli. Quit biting your lip." She waited until she heard him let his lip go with a soft pop before looking at him again.

Eli could not help smirking, placing a hand on her shoulder. "We just haven't had sex in, what, two months? I just don't think that I could stop if you went down on me."

Clare pursed her lips together. "You stopped me before."

"Yeah. At your parents' house," Eli interjected, his voice sharp. He could see the tears welling in her eyes again and shook his head. "Clare." He reached over and placed a thumb under her eye before she could cry again. "I just want you to know that I still want you. And I still love you." He took her face in both his hands to force her head to turn and planted a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I love you."


	3. Chapter 2

_Title: Burning_

 _Rating: M_

 _Chapter: 3. Chapter 2_

 _Fandom: Degrassi: The Next Generation_

 _Summary: AU. Clare has been locked up in a studio apartment with a newborn for the past three weeks and she isn't sure how much more she can take._

 _Comments: NA._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the idea._

Clare walked out of the obstetrician's office, clutching the diaper bag over her shoulder. She waited until she was well outside before bumping her shoulder against her step-brother's. "Thanks for coming."

Jake shrugged, carrying the car seat with his nephew. "As if sitting in the waiting room with the cutest baby in world is such a trouble."

Clare unlocked Eli's Cadillac and opened the back door for Jake to clasp the car seat securely into place. "You still didn't have to come. I could have driven myself and carried him around."

Jake closed the door and leaned against the car, looking back at her. "Clare." He placed a hand on her cheek. "Eli already took off the other day. Someone had to go with you."

Clare bit her lips together, shaking her head. "I got cleared to drive a week ago. I'm fine." She jerked the handle of the driver's door and forced it open.

Jake sighed heavily when he realized he struck a nerve. He waited until they were both settled in the car before speaking again. "Clare. Are you okay?"

"My doctor says I'm fine," she assured, backing out of the parking spot. She pulled out onto to the street, heading towards her mother's house. When she stopped at a red light, she stared into her rearview mirror. "He needs to eat soon." She looked at her step-brother. "You want me to drop you off?"

Jake sighed heavily, mumbling, "Yeah. I guess."

The rest of the car ride was silent until Clare pulled up to her mother's house. She stopped on the street since Glenn was out shoveling the driveway. She waved at her step-father as he walked over to the car. Jake opened the door to get out.

Glenn kept the door open to peek inside. "Hey Clare." He glanced into the backseat to look at Adam. "How'd your appointment go?"

Clare shrugged, forcing a smile. "It went fine. I'm healing fine." She caught Glenn looking her up and down and sighed. "Glenn, really. Everything is fine."

Glenn nodded and reached out to give her shoulder a squeeze. "Your mom and I are here if you need anything. Okay, kid?"

Clare winced at the sound of the childish endearment, her lips thinning into a single line. "I'm fine," she snapped, gripping the steering wheel so tight that her knuckles turned white. She refused to look back at him, hearing him mumble an okay and slamming the passenger front door shut.

 **DTNG**

Eli walked into the apartment with a heavy sigh, dropping his backpack by the door. He locked the bolts and turned to face the bed. He paused, his eyes going wide at the sight of Clare, practically naked on their bed.

"Huh-hi."

Clare sat up, shrugging the lacy, white robe down her shoulders to expose the matching baby doll nightgown. "Welcome home," she greeted, throwing her bare legs over the edge of their bed.

"Wow," Eli breathed as he toed off his shoes on the way to their bed. He placed his hands on her legs, stroking the inside of her thighs with the pads of his thumbs delicately. "You look – wow. Like, fucking, wow." She giggled in reply as he leaned down to kiss her. She opened her legs for him and wrapped a knee around his waist to draw him even closer, resting the other over his shoulder. He fell forward, on top of her, onto the mattress. His fingers slid up under the flimsy thong hiding her most sensitive place.

Clare moaned into his mouth, taking his shagging hair by fistfuls. "Yeah," she gasped as he teased her clit with his thumb. She pulled her head back, looking into hungry green eyes. She shivered as two fingers slipped inside of her abruptly. "Ugh. Eli." She lifted her hips against his hand to drive his fingers deeper, trying to ease the discomfort from being so empty the past couple of months.

Eli smirked down at her, growling, "I am going to fuck you so hard."

Clare shushed him as she arched. "The baby," she reminded breathlessly. Eli turned his head sharply to look at the bassinet where their son was fast asleep. He had almost forgotten about Adam, she had him so distracted.

Eli gasped when he felt her nails dig into his forearm. He looked back down at her, realizing his hand had stilled the previous ministrations. He drew his hand out of her panties, but pulled them down the length of her legs, instead of completely abandoning her.

She reached out, clawing his shirt up his back. "You're too clothed," she grumbled as he wriggled out of his shirt. She slid her hands down the front of his bare chest with a smirk. He groaned her name, his eyes rolling to the back of his head, as her nails nipped into the sensitive skin around his nipples. "How hard are you going to fuck me?" she whispered, her breath leaving chills on his skin, while she jerked her hips against the tightness of his skinny jeans.

Eli gripped her wrists in his hands and leaned forward so they rested on the bed again, kneeling between her knees. He pinned her wrists above her head, making her gasp in delight. "So. Fucking. Hard." He started grinding against her. It only took a minute for him to feel her dampen the front of his jeans.

"Eli, please," she whimpered pathetically, wiggling her wrists in his grip. She let out a loud moan when she felt him suck on her right nipple through the nightie and nursing bra. He hushed her, circling her clothed breast with his tongue. He nuzzled his nose under the clothing and bit down on the taunting skin, moaning at the taste. "Ugh, Jesus Christ," she growled finally getting one hand out of his and tugged his head up by force, smashing her mouth with his.

Eli smirked into her mouth before pulling back to catch his breath. "Condoms in the bathroom?" When she nodded in reply, he reluctantly withdrew from her body, rushing to the bathroom.

Clare slid out of her nightgown, leaving her nursing bra so she wouldn't accidently leak everywhere and kill the mood. She leaned over the side of the bed, peeking into the bassinet at the peaceful little boy. She smiled, placing a hand on the blanket he was swaddled in. "Thank you for behaving," she whispered. She pulled her hand back sharply when his face wrinkled. "No. No. No." She shook head, laying back against the stack of pillows on the bed. "Don't wake up."

"Clare." She looked up towards the bathroom and smiled when she saw her boyfriend standing against the doorframe, completely naked, an unopened condom in his hand. "These things last forever, right?" he contemplated, reading the fine print on it for the expiration date.

"I bought them like a week ago," Clare assured, getting up to join him. She placed her hands on his chest, whispering, "I'm not going to get pregnant again. Don't worry." She trailed her hands down his torso as she knelt in front of him. She traced the inside of his thigh with one hand while the other encircled his standing cock. "Wow," she drawled, her breath heavy on him. "I didn't know you loved me so much."

Eli looked down at her with a breathy chuckle. "Yeah, well – oh, fucking – Clare!" He lulled his head backwards against the doorjamb for support when she wrapped her lips around the tip of his length. He gasped in shock as she slid her mouth downwards towards his hips. He dropped the condom to god-knows-where so he could place one hand on the frame for stability and the other in her hair. She hummed against him, he assumed to remind him to be quiet, but his eyes only rolled to the back of his head from the vibrations the sound made against his already throbbing cock. He let out a string of gasps, biting his lips together to muffle his own sounds. He thrust up against her head and his lips parted to let out a soft sigh when he felt himself brush against the edge of her throat. He whimpered, jerking her by the hair to pull her mouth away. He met her eyes which were clouded with lust. "You have to stop that."

Clare smirked as she found her way back to her feet. He gripped onto her forearm, dragging her into the bathroom, and shut the door softly, wanting more privacy from the sleeping baby.

"What are you doing?" she giggled as he lifted her onto the rim of the sink.

"Having my way with you," he replied simply, settling between her knees. He ripped open the condom with his teeth. She didn't even notice him pick it back up. He rolled it onto himself.

"And how, by chance, do you plan to accomplish that?" she taunted, but was quickly letting out a gasp when she felt his tip press against her nether region. She leaned backwards, her head hitting the mirror with a hard bang.

Eli gave her the gentlest peck on the lips. "Let me know if it hurts. I can stop." And then, he twisted his hips to force himself inside of her. He stilled, gripping onto her hips for leverage. She placed a hand on his shoulder, the other resting on the basin of the sink for stability. She had thought there would be more pain, but, with the help of foreplay, she was only slightly throbbing. She lifted her hips up against his, urging him on. "Oh-kay," he gasped, starting a slow pace between them. He heard his name leave her lips, so he turned his head and sucked on her bottom lip to silence her.

Clare dug her nails into his skin, dragging scratches down the length of his spine. She pressed her mouth against his to muffle more sounds, letting out a soft scream in his mouth when his thumb pressed against the swollen bundle of nerves between her legs. She bit down on tongue and he jerked his head back with a growl. "You and your damn vampire fetish," he spat. "I should just bite you back." She nodded, only able to whimper. He bit down on the juncture between her neck and shoulder, making her spasm around him tighter. He cursed into her skin, unable to keep from cumming anymore. He stilled against her, gasping.

Clare shuddered between him and the sink. She whimpered when he slipped out of her, suddenly empty at the loss. She groaned, realizing that the faucet was digging into the small of her back, leaving her fragile skin bruised. She placed her hands on Eli's shoulders as she dropped down onto her feet, swaying.

Eli placed his hands on her hips to steady her. He let out a soft laugh, pressing his forehead into hers. "A little weak in the knees?" He pecked her on the cheek. "Guess I did my job."

Clare met his eyes. A blush spread from her cheeks down the length of her neck. "You did. Thank you." She cupped his neck in her hands, leaning in to give him another kiss.

"You never need to thank me," Eli assured as he stepped back from her. He peeled the used condom off himself with a heavy breath and then wadded it into the trash. He furrowed his brow at the sound of rushing water and turned around to find his girlfriend turning on the showerhead.

"Shower?" she offered, taking a large step backwards over the side of the tub as she removed her nursing bra, dropping it to the tiled floor. She ran a hand through her hair, letting the water soak her further, and tilted her head back as if to drown.

"Fuck yes." He practically jumped in beside her, tugging the shower curtain closed before more water got on the floor.

 **DTNG**

Eli felt the body beside him shift and forced his heavy eyes open. He sucked in a deep breath and looked around the room. Clare was snuggled up in his arms, her head resting against his right pectoral. He smiled softly, burying his face in her curls, and kissed the top of her head.

A soft whimpering invaded the silence and Eli pulled his head back, assuming he had awoken his girlfriend. Then, a shrill cry sounded. Eli rolled Clare away, onto her side of the bed, and turned to get off the bed.

He was met with a wrinkled, purpling face and a gaping mouth that was screaming about something. "Oh, noes," he cooed, carefully scooping Adam out of the bassinet. "Do you need a diaper?" He felt Adam's diaper as he carried his son to the changing table.

"Eli?" he barely heard the sleepy voice of Clare over their son's screaming.

"He's okay," Eli assured as he secured a fresh diaper on Adam and scooped him up.

"Oh my god. It's 7:32." Eli turned around and found Clare already standing beside him. "He hasn't eaten since midnight." He passed the child over to her waiting arms so that he could dump the used diaper in the bathroom trash can. He paused in the bathroom and looked around with a smirk as he remembered their bathroom escapades from the night before.

When he walked out of the bathroom, he found Clare walking through the kitchenette, pouring fresh coffee grounds into the maker, with Adam attached to her right breast. "Clare, let me do that," he urged, coming up beside her. She stepped back from the counter, watching him fill the pot with water from the kitchen sink.

Clare looked down at Adam, whispering, "I am so sorry. You're so neglected. Poor little Cthulhu." She stroked his cheek.

"Neglected?" Eli laughed as he turned on the machine to let a fresh pot of coffee brew. "That's a little too aggressive of a word." He turned to face his girlfriend and son. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to the back of Adam's head. "You've never been neglected a second of your life, you little boob hog."

Clare felt her neck turn red in embarrassment, stroking Adam's hair back. She let out a sudden sniffle.

"Clare, don't cry." Eli's hand cupped her face, brushing a thumb under her eye as she started to cry. "He's okay. He can sleep through the night. You got some rest."

"I forgot about him, Eli," she whimpered, lifting Adam onto her shoulder when she felt him release her breast.

Eli carefully took the child from his mother and nestled the tiny body against his chest, giving a firm series of pats. "It was one night, in one month. He wasn't hungry. He was just tired." He looked up as she wept endlessly in front of him. "You were just tired. It's hard being a human udder."

Clare shook her head as she snapped her nursing bra shut, taking her shirt off the counter to pull it over her head. She continued to cry, her voice weak, "I'm not tired."

"Yes. Yes, you are." Eli paused when Adam spit up on his shirt and moved to lay him in the swing beside the counter. He grabbed a washcloth from the sink and rubbed at the spot of regurgitated breast milk on his shirt. "You should go back to sleep."

Clare leaned over with a whimper, her tears subsiding, as she lifted Adam out of the swing. "Oh, AJ." She kissed the top of his head, crossing the room to their bed. "Mommy has you. We're okay. You're okay."

Eli rolled his eyes as he watched her retreat with their child. He turned back to the coffee pot, setting the dirty cloth on the counter. He pulled out two mugs and filled them up. He made one to her exact cravings, black with five large spoonfuls of sugar, and the other he left alone for himself.

"Here."

Clare looked up and gave him a tired smile. "Just put it on the nightstand." She curled up into the pillows, holding Adam close.

"Clare. Please." Eli brought the mug closer to her hands.

"Eli, stop."

"Clare, if you're going to -"

"Just STOP!"

Eli frowned deeply at the sound of her screaming at him, which made Adam cry again. He set both cups of coffee on her bedside table before he sat down beside her.

She curled her knees underneath herself, bouncing gently. "Shhhh. Adam. It's okay."

"Here." Eli took her took their child from her, surprised that she didn't put up more of a fight. He stood back up, bouncing around the bed to his side so he could grab a blanket from the bassinet. "Adam," he hushed, giving his son a kiss on the forehead. He swaddled the kicking child into the blanket, rocking back and forth.

Clare pulled the bedsheets up over her lap, whimpering through tears. "I'm sorry."

Eli lifted his gaze to give her a soft smile. "It's okay, Clare. He's fine." He sat down beside her as Adam quieted down. "Are you okay?"

Clare shook her head, her voice shaking, "No." She brought a palm to her face, letting out a sob. "I'm sorry."

Eli settled AJ into the bend of his arm and wrapped the other arm around his girlfriend, drawing her in to cuddle with them. "C'mere." She laid her head against his chest and placed a hand on the bundle resting beside her in Eli's other arm. He kissed the top of her head. "He was just startled, Mommy. We're all okay. See?" She peered at the little face. Adam's regular color had returned to the normal pale shade porcelain he had inherited from his mother and he was staring back at her with alert green eyes, his father's eyes.

Clare smiled sadly, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. "Hi Adam," she sniffled, fixing the blankets he was nestled in. Eli willingly let her take their son, but placed his other arm around her middle, keeping them all curled together. She looked up at the man beside her and nodded, "Yeah. He's okay."

Eli waited a moment before glancing at the clock. "Do you want me to stay home?" he offered, stroking disheveled curls out of her face.

Clare pursed her lips together, shaking her head. "No. We're fine." She looked up at Eli. "Go get ready."

Eli smiled, leaning in to give her the gentlest lingering kiss, before he climbed out of bed. He walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind himself.

Clare waited until she heard the bathroom fan, followed by the shower turning on, before she started to cry again.


	4. Chapter 3

_Title: Burning_

 _Rating: M_

 _Chapter: 4. Chapter 3_

 _Fandom: Degrassi: The Next Generation_

 _Summary: AU. Clare has been locked up in a studio apartment with a newborn for the past three weeks and she isn't sure how much more she can take._

 _Comments: NA._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the idea._

Clare shivered as she sat on the toilet, closed off in the bathroom alone. She could hear the shrill sound of a baby's cries on the other side of the door. She closed her eyes, letting her own sobs wreck her body. "Shut _up_ , Adam," she begged quietly between tears. She placed a hand on her heaving chest while she stood upon shaky feet and reached to open the medicine cabinet with her other. She pulled out a bottle of aspirin, using both hands to twist the top off. She shook two pills into her hand and then stared at them before adding another one into her palm. Three aspirin wouldn't do anything too harmful to her, right? The dose might even dull her migraine quicker. She brought her shaking hand to her mouth and dry swallowed the three pills.

"Adam!"

Clare gagged when she heard Eli's voice shout over all the crying on the other side of the door, but with some mental force kept down the medication. She quickly capped the bottle and shoved it back in the medicine cabinet, shutting the fixture with a bang. She opened the bathroom door.

Eli was bouncing around the room with Adam in his arms as the noise settled down. "Hey AJ. I got you." He brushed his nose against Adam's cheek and started humming a familiar song. Tunnels by Arcade Fire. Their song.

Clare crossed the room to her boys and smiled softly. "Hey Eli."

Eli looked up at her and frowned deeply, immediately angry. "Where were you?" he demanded, keeping his voice quiet.

"I was in the -"

"Clare, AJ was blue, he was crying so hard. And you were, what, taking a shower?" Eli shook his head in disgust. "And you left him on the _bed_. You didn't even comprehend that you should put him in the bassinet before you abandoned him. What the _fuck_ would have happened if he rolled off? Or if he rolled over onto his face and suffocated?"

Clare glared at her boyfriend, spitting, "He is a month old, Eli. He was fine." She reached out to touch AJ, but Eli took a quick step back from her, jerking the infant with him. "Eli _jah_ , give me my son."

"Oh, now you want him?" Eli released a bitter laugh, shaking his head. "Hell no." He glowered darkly at her, cradling Adam close. "Just go take a fucking shower."

Clare pursed her lips together, sighing out in frustration. "Fine." She started for the bathroom and paused in the doorway to look over at him. "I pumped today." She dreaded the feeling of having her milk forced out of her breast via suction, into a bottle. "There's a bottle in the fridge if he sounds like he hates you." She slammed the door behind herself before he could reply and then winced, waiting to hear her son cry again.

When she was met with silence, Clare turned the shower on. She turned around to face the door and hesitated, taking in a sharp breath, before she locked the knob. She turned to look at herself in the mirror and grimaced at the zombie-like appearance she barely recognized staring back at her. She was about to step into the shower when a transparent orange bottle on the counter caught her eye. She furrowed her brow, reaching out, and picked up the bottle with delicate fingers.

 _Risperidone._

Eli's bipolar medication.

Clare looked back at the locked door as she twisted off the cap, pursing her lips together nervously. She didn't know why she was so paranoid. She had locked the door and Eli was obviously too preoccupied with AJ to give a _fuck_ about how she was feeling. He probably assumed that she was in the shower. The water was already on, after all.

Clare pried a single, large pill out of the pile and forced it into her mouth, struggling this time to swallow it with just willpower. She shrugged off her clothes before she jumped into the steaming shower. She opened her mouth towards the spout of water flowing above her, trying to drink from the showerhead to help down Eli's medication. She sighed heavily, resting her head against the tilted wall. "Shit," she mumbled, realizing her mistake instantly.

 **DTNG**

It had been three days since their big fight. Eli and Clare had vaguely communicated, barely looked at each other. Only acknowledging each other when it came to Adam.

Clare was currently sitting on their bed, hooked up to the breast pump. Adam was propped up on the nursing pillow beside her, watching his mother with confused eyes. She smiled a little, placing a hand on his belly. "Hello AJ. You look like I'm crazy for using this thing when I should just nurse you, huh?" she cooed with a giggle, mentioning the breast pump. "Say, why are you doing that, Mommy? Just stick it my mou -"

"Hey Clare?"

Clare looked up towards the bathroom door and found Eli, shirtless, holding the prescription bottle of Risperidone up in the air. She dropped her gaze back to their son, wincing slightly. She had been taking one of his pills every day while he was at work and it seemed to have greatly eased her postpartum mood swings.

"I'm, uh, down a couple pills."

Clare furrowed her brow, looking up at him. "Maybe you took an extra. By mistake."

Eli shook his head, pursing his lips together. "Clare." He didn't mean to accuse her of hiding his pills, but she was the only other person in their home capable of taking his medication. He watched her face as she stared at the baby resting beside her. He rolled his eyes with a sigh. He didn't want to argue anymore. "Yeah. Maybe I did. We're both, just, so tired." He ruffled a hand through his hair and took one of the pills himself, swallowing it with a gulp of water running from the bathroom sink.

Clare glanced up at him nervously before a whimper disturbed her paranoia. She groaned. "Adam, I just pumped." She reached over and turned off the contraption, sighing in relief.

"I can feed him." Eli sat down on the other side of Adam, scooping up the now crying child.

Clare nodded, unhooking a bottle, filled to the line that marked 3 ounces full, from the tube. "Let me get a nipple." She completely stripped herself of the device before getting off their bed. She pulled on her nursing bra as she picked a nipple and bottle neck off the kitchen counter. "Here." She handed it to Eli, once she was close enough.

Eli shifted Adam to one arm while he secured the bottle together. "Here, you go, baby Cthulhu." He forced the nipple into Adam's screaming mouth, silencing the child as he sucked hungrily.

Clare sat down beside Eli, shrugging her sweater over her bra. "What a demanding little monster," she teased.

"Clare." Eli's voice was dripping with concern. His eyes looked frightened. He was too scared to say anything beyond her name.

Clare leaned back against her two pillows, giving an innocent smile. "Eli." She couldn't handle him staring at her with such intensity for any longer than half a minute and sat up straighter. "I'm going to make some coffee. Do you want any?" She found her way to her feet and went to clean out the pot, still stained from the previous day.

Eli sighed, getting up to follow her. "Clare, if you need something, we can call your OB," he suggested, his voice soft.

Clare shook her head, scrubbing the inside of the pot violently with the soapy dish brush. "Eli, I'm fine," she snapped.

"I had to ease my way into such a high dose. It took months."

"Eli!" Clare shouted, turning to face him, slamming the pot on the counter. She held the pot out between them to keep some distance, starting to shake. "I am fine."

Eli frowned deeply, his brow furrowing. "I just don't want you to hurt yourself." He stepped closer to her, dying to touch her, but just tightened his hold on the baby feeding in his arms. "I need you."

Clare softened and gave him a smile. "I know." She leaned past Adam and gave Eli a kiss on the cheek. She turned away from him, turning back to the sink to rinse out the coffee pot.

 **DTNG**

"Thanks for dinner, CeCe." Clare collected the plates the four they had used, left on the table. She brought the plates to the sink, to soak in warm, soapy water.

"Anytime, Sweet Pea." CeCe held AJ in her arms, rubbing his back. "Anything for the sweetest, little face and his parents." She kissed the top of his head.

Bullfrog let out a cackle. "Careful, CeCe. His head might pop off."

Eli rolled his eyes at his father, taking a sip from his glass of red wine, and then his eyes fell on his girlfriend. "Babe, you don't have to do that." He watched as she violently scrubbed the grime stuck on a plate. "Come sit down. Have a glass of wine."

"I shouldn't be having wine. I'm breastfeeding," Clare snapped at the kitchen window.

Eli looked across the table at him mother, pleading for assistance. CeCe got up, passing her grandson to Bullfrog, and got up from the table. "Clare, I made some iced tea." She opened the refrigerator to pull out a pitcher and walked over next to Clare to grab a clean glass from the cabinet. "Here." She filled the glass.

Clare wiped her hands off on a dish towel. "I'm fine," she reiterated, trying to keep from yelling. She softened when she saw her boyfriend wince in his chair. He furrowed his brow at her, having learned to keep his mouth shut since their last fight. She sighed softly in defeat, taking the glass. "Thanks." She sat back down at the table. CeCe joined her, setting the pitcher down.

The room was quiet for a few moments before AJ started to cry.

Bullfrog bounced in his chair, cooing, "Oh, don't hate me because I don't have boobs."

"Bullfrog," CeCe chided.

Clare set the half empty glass of iced tea on the table and got up to take her son. "Here. Let me feed him." She walked out of the kitchen, heading up the stairs for more privacy to nurse. Eli watched her leave the room before he refilled his glass nearly to the brim.

"Baby Boy."

Eli looked up at his mother as he took another sip, much longer than before.

"Is she okay?"

Eli rolled his eyes, teasing a fingertip across the rim of the glass. "That's a loaded question, CeCe." He took in a deep breath. When neither of his parents responded, he sighed. "No. Yes. I don't really know." He furrowed his brow, glaring at the glassful. "She was crying. A lot. Like, I'd come home and find her and AJ both crying."

"Is she still crying?" Bullfrog's voice was soft.

Eli looked at his dad. "No. Not as often." He pursed his lips together, staring at spot on the wall, as the color drained from his face. "I was taking my medication the other day and there were some pills missing." He looked at both his father and then his mother before explaining. "My bipolar medication."

CeCe stood up from the table to move beside him. "Eli, that's a serious thing to blame someone for." She placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You didn't miscount?" Bullfrog asked.

Eli glared at his father. "Dad. I have a kid. And Clare. I can't afford to miscount."

Bullfrog pursed his lips together in a deep frown. "You shouldn't be leaving her alone with AJ if she's getting high off your medication."

Eli shook his head, snapping, "She's not high!" He took in a deep breath to even out the tension in his voice. "She's actually been better since I noticed my meds have disappeared."

"She's doing it in an unsafe way, Bud." Bullfrog was met with his wife's glaring eyes. He sighed. "Eli, if your son were older and he were sneaking your pills, what would you do?" Eli opened his mouth to interject, but Bullfrog shook his head. "Son," his voice was sharp and quiet. "If Adam were a teenager, or even in college, and you found that he was taking unprescribed, high-dosed, mentally-altering medications at the expense of your mental health, what would you do?"

Eli struggled to keep from crying, bringing his fist to rest against his mouth. He closed his eyes, whispering, "Her mood has been evening out." He looked up at his mother for help defending his girlfriend. "She actually takes care of him now." He whimpered. "CeCe."

CeCe gave him a sad smile, stroking his hair. "It's okay, Eli. We'll figure out how to get through this. Just like we did the pregnancy." She gasped when he suddenly hugged onto her and she clutched him close. "Clare will be okay."

 **DTNG**

Clare enjoyed the sound of still silence in her boyfriend's childhood bedroom. She looked down at the little boy latched onto her breast. She gave a warm smile, whispering, "All better, AJ?" When he didn't budge, she brushed his cheek with her thumb. "So much attention from Nana and Papa. So severely spoiled." She took in a sharp breath, shifting her hand to cup her breast so her flow evened out. "You are savage." She nestled his hair with her nose.

"Can you blame him?"

Clare looked up at her boyfriend. "Hey Eli."

Eli crossed the room and held a glass of ice water out to her. "You look flushed." He waited until she had taken the glass and was taking small sips before he sat down beside her. "How are you feeling?"

Clare smiled against the rim of the glass. "Okay. My stomach is aching a little." She pursed her lips together before taking another sip.

"Well, you can't be pregnant after five days." He cleared his throat when he felt her eyes bare into him. "I mean – you uh – you could be. But you shouldn't be feeling it yet."

"Eli, are you pregnant?" she giggled, trying not to sound confused. She took in a breath, trying to be serious, as she set the glass on the bedside table. "Because as someone who just went through pregnancy, I promise to hold your hand the whole way."

Eli let out a small laugh, shaking his head. "No. I." He silenced when she removed Adam's sleeping mouth from her nipple. He held his arms out, letting her pass their child over, and snuggled the warm, little body to his chest. "I just want to make sure you're okay."

Clare snapped her bra closed and buttoned her blouse. "Yeah. I'm okay." She took in a deep breath, whispering, "I'm sorry I snapped down there." She tilted her head to the side, her eyes on AJ, as she smiled sadly. "I really appreciate your parents' help."

Eli shrugged, rubbing Adam's back. "They could help more." He watched her face carefully for even a flicker of a response. "If you want. Bullfrog's working less hours at the studio. He could even do some work from home, if you want to spend a few days of the week here. Or even just drop off Adam, so you can get stuff done. Maybe rest uninhibited."

Clare pursed her lips together and then frowned. "You don't think I can take care of our son."

Eli shook his head, sighing, "Don't put words in my mouth, Clare. I know you've been stressed out. Bullfrog and CeCe just want to lighten the load."

Clare lifted her eyes to look at him, starting to cry. "I've been better." She shook her head, wiping her nose with her sleeve before it could drip. "I've been pumping and alert and not crying all day."

Eli nodded, agreeing, "I know, Honey." He shifted Adam into one arm and grabbed her shoulder with the other. "Why don't you take a nap?" he suggested.

Clare sniffled until she let out a gasp. "I'm fine, Eli."

"Okay." He gripped her shoulder, beckoning her closer. "Come cuddle with us, then." She hesitated a moment before scooting up against him. She rested her head on his shoulder, placing a hand on their son's back. They both simultaneously laid kisses on their son's head and then Eli kissed her the top of her head.

 **DTNG**

Clare shook her head with a sniffle as she zipped up her luggage. "Adam. You don't need to cry about everything," she hissed at the hysterical baby laying in the rocking baby swing near the refrigerator. Although, she realized she was being hypocritical and crossed the room to scoop him up. She hushed him, bouncing her way to where she left his car seat on the kitchen table.

The door cracked open as she buckled Adam into his car seat. She turned around abruptly and thinned her lips together into a line.

Eli stared back at her, furrowing his brow. "Going somewhere?"

"Maybe." Clare turned back around to face the car seat, grabbing a warm blanket off the bed to cover her son's lap. She hushed him, stroking the side of his screaming face.

Eli walked over to the bed and placed a hand on the small of Clare's back. "Where are we going?"

Clare stepped back from her boyfriend, the car seat handle in her hand. She walked over to the door and set down his car seat. She pulled on her winter coat, informing calmly, "I'm going to see Helen."

"Okay. Do we need to pick up a bottle of wine, or -" Eli froze when he noticed the large suitcase by her feet. "You're going to -" He swallowed hard, feeling his eyes blur with tears. He clenched his hands into fists on either side of himself. He took in a deep breath to calm down, before he spoke again. "Clare. If you really want a break and need to stay with your mom, it's fine. We have a stock of your milk in the freezer." He felt his lips starting to quiver barely choking down a sob. "Just, _please_ , don't take my son."

Clare stared down at the floor, tears already streaking slowly down the sides of her flushed face. "You accused me of stealing your medication." She looked back at him with darkened, bloodshot eyes. "You even told CeCe and Bullfrog."

"Yeah. That was a month's supply and it was gone in barely three weeks. Do you know how hard it was explaining to my therapist that I needed another script?" Eli sighed heavily when she shuddered at his sharp tone. He shook his head, going over to her side. "Look. That's not the point."

Clare whimpered when his hands grabbed onto hers, pulling her up against him. "Eli." She struggled to pry her hands out of his. She couldn't get him to release her, shaking her head. "I'm not a drug addict."

"No," Eli agreed, sliding a palm up her arm and cupped the side of her neck. "You're just depressed and anxious and, probably, scared. I don't blame you for trying to numb the pain. I get it, Clare. I've been there." He felt her wither between him and the door. "But stealing my medication won't help either of us. You'll get sicker and I'll become manic."

Clare looked up at him with wide eyes, suddenly frightened. "You're manic?" She took a shaky string of gasps, closing her eyes.

Eli frowned, pressing his forehead into hers, their noses blocking each other's nasal passages. "No. But I could become manic." He kept his voice quiet and dropped his gaze to the baby fast asleep at their feet. "And I don't want AJ to ever see that side of me."

Clare shook her head, lulling her head backwards, as she finally shrugged out of his grasp. "Don't pretend like you wanted me to keep Adam."

Eli felt the urge to slam his fist past her head into the door, but grasped his own clammy hands together to keep himself under control. "You can go get high on my medication. You can go run away to your mother's. Go and slowly kill yourself until you overdose on god-knows-what. But don't you dare force your daddy issues onto my son!"

Clare's eyes flashed with fear at the sound of her boyfriend's harsh tone. "My. Daddy. Issues." She repeated the words back slowly before letting out a sob. "You can go to hell." She knelt down in front of him, hunching over the car seat next to her and snapped the thermal cover on to keep Adam warm. "I don't want my son around you anymore."

When she stood up, car seat in one hand, luggage in the other, Eli gripped onto her wrist. "Clare, please," he begged, unable to keep from crying any longer.

Clare felt his fingers dig angrily into her wrist and shook her head. "Let me go. Please."

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Eli let her hand go and turned to the intercom. He pressed the talk button, taking in an unsteady breath. "H-hello?"

Before someone could reply, Clare had the door open and was struggling through the hallway with both her bag and Adam's car seat.

"Clare. I'm here." Helen's voice was on the end.

Eli dropped his head against the wall above the intercom. "Helen, don't take her with you. Please." He started to weep again. "Don't take Clare. Don't take AJ."

"Clare…?"

He could hear his girlfriend crying on the other side and realized he must have been crying, pleading her mother, for several minutes now. "Clare…" he whispered, his voice breaking. But the only other sound he heard was the door to the lobby slamming shut. "You fucking -"


	5. Chapter 4

_Title: Burning_

 _Rating: M_

 _Chapter: 5. Chapter 4_

 _Fandom: Degrassi: The Next Generation_

 _Summary: AU. Clare has been locked up in a studio apartment with a newborn for the past three weeks and she isn't sure how much more she can take._

 _Comments: NA._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the idea._

Helen pursed his lips together as she hung up the house phone. She walked out of the kitchen into the living room, where Clare had fallen asleep sprawled on the couch and her grandson lay alert in the bouncing Bijorn. She set the phone on the coffee table before unbuckling Adam to scoop him up. "Hello Adam," she whispered, stroking his hair with her thumb. She looked at her daughter, beckoning, "Clarebear. Sweetheart."

Clare squeezed her shut eyes even tighter, taking in a sharp breath. "You get it, Eli." She shifted onto her stomach, her eyes fluttering. Her mother came into focus and she gasped, forcing herself up to sit. "Adam."

Helen shook her head, bouncing gently. "He's right here." She waited until Clare looked more alert, before passing the baby over.

Clare leaned back into the cushions, drawing her knees underneath herself, as she held Adam against her chest. She laid a couple kisses on his cheek, causing him to turn his head to mouth on her chin. "Oh, my Cthulhu." She gave his little, round face a squeeze and smiled warmly.

Helen pursed her lips into a thin line, picking the house phone up off the coffee table where it rested beside her. She sat next Clare on the couch, informing, "I just got off the phone with Bullfrog Goldsworthy. Eli's father." She felt Clare shift beside her and watched her face flinched. "He said Eli called him."

"Whatever Eli told him, it's not true," Clare whispered, stumbling over the rushed words.

Helen tilted her head to the side, frowning. "So, you haven't been stealing Eli's medication for his bipolar disorder?" She reached out and tucked some of Clare's curls out of her face. The touch made the young mother whimper. "Self-medicating with someone else's prescription is dangerous, Clare. It could kill you." She shook her head, reminding, "Not to mention what you're doing to Eli."

Clare sniffled back tears. "You're taking his side?" She met her mother's eyes and blinked tears down the sides of her face. She shook her head, pulling her son in closer. "You're my mom."

Helen reached out, placing an arm under Clare's, her other hand on Clare's shoulder. "Clare, gentle." She got her daughter to release the baby and took him into her own arms. She wrapped the blanket more securely around her grandson, hushing, "It's okay."

Clare covered her face with her hands, weeping. She shuddered, finally getting her sobs under control, and looked at her mother. She bit her lips into a thin line. "His pill bottle is in my makeup bag," she confessed.

"Oh, Jesus, Clare." Helen buckled Adam back into the bouncer before running up the stairs to her room to riffle through her luggage.

Clare let out a shallow breath as she sat up to look at her son. "Hello Adam." She brushed his cheek with her thumb and chuckled when he turned to mouth on her finger.

She didn't notice the sound of feet rushing down the stairs, but she heard the sound of a pill bottle shaking. She watched her mother's hand slam the bottle of Eli's medicine on the table. She frowned, agreeing, "Okay." She looked from her son to her mother. "I'll go see a therapist."


	6. Chapter 5

_Title: Burning_

 _Rating: M_

 _Chapter: 6. Chapter 5_

 _Fandom: Degrassi: The Next Generation_

 _Summary: AU. Clare has been locked up in a studio apartment with a newborn for the past three weeks and she isn't sure how much more she can take._

 _Comments: I literally have six other endings of this story in a doc on my laptop. I didn't like any of them and wanted this to be perfect for yall. I hope you enjoy this ending._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the idea._

"I heard. I heard," Clare sighed, walking hurriedly out of the bathroom from down the hallway. She headed to her bedroom and smiled sweetly. "Oh, AJ." She scooped her screaming son out of the bassinet Glenn had rustled out of storage when they had first arrived. "What happened?" she whispered as he curled into her, quieting down. Clare kissed the top of Adam's head and bounced across the room to her old desk. "You little faker."

"Everything okay?"

Clare looked up at the doorway and nodded with a smile at her step-father. "Yeah. We're fine now." She kissed Adam's cheek, making him curl into her.

"Want me to take him?" Glenn offered, stepping into the room. He held his arms out as he neared the mother and child.

Clare passed Adam over. "Thank you. I'm almost ready," she assured, turning back to the mirror to pin her bangs out of her face.

Glenn held Adam close and he wrapped his little hands around Glenn's shoulders, cuddling into his grandfather's chest. Glenn chuckled, rubbing the child's back. "Hello Buddy." He kissed Adam's cheek and AJ turned his head to mouth on Glenn's stubbly chin.

Clare turned back to face her step-father and son. "Alright, AJ. You want to go see Nana?" she cooed, picking up the tiny jacket hanging on the desk chair. "It's so chilly out. You have to wear all the layers." With Glenn's help and much squirming on Adam's part, she got his chunky arms shoved in and then zipped him up. "What a little tyrant." She took the baby back, holding him close.

"I'll go check on your mom," Glenn mumbled, leaving the room to find his wife.

Adam grunted, wiggling in Clare's arms.

Clare laughed, nodding, "I know. You hate it. You're such a naked baby." She carried him downstairs and fastened him into the car seat before pulling on her own jacket.

"You ready, Clarebear?"

Clare looked up at her mother and step-father descending the stairs. She nodded, lassoing the diaper bag over her shoulder. "As ready as I'll ever be."

Helen kissed her on the cheek, cupping her daughter's face. "You know I wouldn't make you do this if I thought it would turn out badly," she reminded.

Clare nodded, giving Helen a small smile. "Of course." She watched her mother and step-father walk outside, taking Adam with them and sighed. She followed everyone out to her mother's car and got into the backseat beside Adam's car seat.

The drive to the Goldsworthy house was mostly quiet, except for Adam talking to himself. Clare peered into the car seat and just smiled at the baby, playing with his hands and face. She leaned in to give him a kiss when Glenn announced that they had arrived.

Clare looked up and frowned. Suddenly, she felt as though this wasn't such a good idea. Clare jumped when the back door opened. She looked over and watched Glenn unhook Adam's seat. She frowned, getting out reluctantly, and drug her feet through the snow to the front door.

Clare was expecting instant screaming and yelling. So many tears and loud voices. Instead, she was met with CeCe's smile and a warm hug.

"Oh, my sweet girl!" CeCe clutched Clare close. "Are you okay?"

Clare nodded, assuring, "I'm okay."

Clare heard a squeak on the stairs and looked up over CeCe's shoulder. She smiled sadly as they stepped away from each other. "Hey."

Eli stood in the middle of the stairway. "Hey." He didn't look any different. He was in a DeadHand shirt and pair of black skinny jeans. He looked the way she had left him, as if he had gone undamaged. She knew that couldn't be true.

Clare turned to take the car seat from her step-father and, once satisfied she had a hold on the handle, started up the stairs. "Want to go talk?"

Eli nodded, reaching out and took the handle from her. "Yeah. Here. I got him." He turned around and headed back up to his bedroom, expecting Clare to follow.

Eli set the car seat on his bed and unbuckled his son, then started unzipping the monstrous winter suit Clare had forced him into. "Hi AJ." He scooped up the baby and held him close. "I missed you so much." He gave the chubby little cheeks a couple of kisses. "Have you been good for your mommy?" He lifted Adam up over his head and laughed when he received the sweetest smile. "You're smilin' now. What a big smile for a little guy."

"I have a video of his first smiles," Clare piped up, stepping over to her boys. "If you want to see it." She placed a careful hand on Eli's back.

Eli looked at her and smiled at the considerate gesture. "Maybe later." He kissed Adam's cheek again, whispering, "Are you such a terror?"

"We're both mellowing out," Clare assured. She pursed her lips together for a minute before letting out a sigh. "Eli, I am so sorry." She rested her chin on his shoulder. "I don't know what I was thinking." She closed her eyes, burying her face in his neck.

Eli rested Adam in one arm and wrapped the other around Clare's shoulders. "It's okay. You were sick, Clare." He kissed the top of her head. "I get it. I get sick too sometimes."

Clare lifted her head with a sniffle, shaking her head. "I wasn't sick. I was practically a sociopath."

Eli gripped her shoulder tighter, trying to keep her close. He couldn't let her leave again. He couldn't give either of them up again. "No, Clare." He shifted slightly when Adam whimpered. "You were just really sick and I didn't even think to get you help. I barely even helped at home. You were all alone with him every day."

Clare closed her eyes, struggling to keep from crying. "It's been so hard, Eli," she whimpered, her bottom lip trembling.

"I know," Eli agreed, steering them towards his bed. He sat down against the headboard, tugging her with him. "It's okay though." She buried her face into his shoulder while their son rested comfortably on his other shoulder. Eli brushed his hand through her hair, clutching her close.

Clare cried for a couple more minutes before she caught her breath. She heard a small huff beside her and lifted her head to look at their son. She smiled, blinking her own tears away, and placed her hand on his bottom. "Hi AJ."

AJ lifted his head and blinked before letting out a sneeze.

"Oh my," Eli cooed, using his own shirt to wipe the child's nose.

"Bless you," Clare whispered, kissing AJ on the top of his head.

Eli carefully passed him back to the mother, who leaned against the headboard herself. He watched Clare hold the baby up, cooing nonsense to him. AJ let out a giggle, making both his parents laugh.

"See," Eli interrupted the laughing with a proud smile. "You're getting your shit together."

Clare smiled, looking at her boyfriend. She nodded, admitting, "I'm trying. Harder." She propped her son in her lap so he was sitting up to look out across Eli's room. "I'm seeing a therapist and she put me on a small anti-depressant." She looked down at the child in her lap and smiled, toying with his tiny hands. "And, it took a lot of fighting, but Adam's on formula now."

"And bigger than ever," Eli cooed, holding his arms out to take the baby back.

Clare willingly handed AJ back to his father. "He sure is," she agreed. "You should try carrying his car seat. It is torture."

Eli kissed Adam's cheek and chuckled when he was met with a little mouth gumming his own face. "So many kisses." He leaned in closer to his son and whispered, loud enough for Clare to hear, "Your mommy used to not be able to stop kissing me too."

Clare blushed, wincing slightly. "Eli," she interjected, reaching out and wiping the slobbery trail hanging from Adam's mouth. "He doesn't need to hear about that."

Eli shrugged nonchalantly as he wiped his cheek free of baby spit. "It's not like he knows what I'm saying."

Clare smiled, her thumb brushing from the side of Eli's face to his lips. She leaned closer to him and pressed her mouth to his. Before he could even return the sentiment, she had pulled away and sat back in her spot beside him. He let out a heavy breath and looked at Adam.

Adam stared at him with wide blue eyes, his brow furrowed.

"You look so concerned," Eli cooed.

"No. He's just possessive," Clare informed with a smile. She leaned in towards their son and pecked him on the cheek, making him laugh. "Are you Mommy's little Cthulhu?" She moved to pull away, but Adam had grasped onto a handful of her curls. "Ouch. Adam, no." She pried his hand out of her hair, but then took him from his father once more.

Eli watched her with smile. He had always loved Clare, but watching her interact comfortably with their son made his heart pound senselessly in his chest. He was relieved that Clare had finally found the footing to be the kind of mother they both knew she could be.

"He's your new favorite person, huh?" he asked quietly.

Clare beamed, her eyes blinking back tears, but she shook her head. "Sometimes." She laid Adam in her arms as he started to whimper. She kissed his forehead, hushing, "I know. You're just tired. So very tired. But Mommy has you." She cradled him close, rocking them slightly. She hummed softly, burying her face in his little neck.

Eli got up from the bed and went to grab the diaper bag off the floor. He didn't know what he was expecting to find in his hunt for something to soothe his son, and his girlfriend. He took a moment to pause his search at the idea of Clare being his girlfriend. Was she still his girlfriend?

He shook the thought from his head when he found a disposable bottle of formula laying on its side in the bag. He shook the bottle in one hand while the other rummaged for a detachable nipple. He replaced the bottle top with a clean nipple and was about to climb back into bed with his family, but found Clare had slumped back against the headboard with AJ nestled against her chest, both of them fast asleep.

Eli sighed in relief at the sight.

He set the bottle on his nightstand before he pulled one of Adam's tightly folded blankets from the bag on the floor. He draped it over AJ's body and Clare's arms before quietly shutting off the light in his room. He climbed back in bed beside them and then ever so carefully wrapped his girlfriend and son in his arms. He laid a gentle kiss on the top of Clare's head and then one on AJ's. "I love you both," he whispered.

He seized his movements when he heard AJ whimper again. He looked at the scrunched up little face and watched Adam's mouth let out a scream. He carefully pried his son from Clare's hold, causing her to whimper beside them. He got up from the bed and started to bounce.

Clare lifted her head with a groan and rubbed her eyes. "Sorry," she murmured.

Eli forced the nipple of the forgotten formula bottle into his son's mouth. He shook his head as AJ quieted down to eat. "No, Clare. I woke him."

Clare smiled tiredly, nodding, "I've made that mistake once or twice." She shifted uncomfortably before stretching her legs out to get off the bed. She moved over to her boys, offering, "Want me to take him?"

Eli chuckled, assuring, "I got him." When Clare sat back on the edge of the bed, looking defeated, his heart jumped and he moved to sit beside her. He kept Adam carefully nestled against him. "I just haven't seen him in a couple weeks," he reminded, his voice quiet to ease her sudden tension. She pursed her lips together thoughtfully in reply. "If you really want to feed him - "

"That would be selfish," Clare interjected with a shrug. She used the tips of her fingers to wipe any sign of tears away, letting out the slightest sniffle.

Eli smiled, shaking his head in disbelief, "If there is one thing you should have taken from all of this, it's that you can be a little selfish, Clare."

Clare looked back at Eli and smiled, letting herself cry. "I've been so self-absorbed that I hurt you." She let out a sob, covering her face with her hands. "I could never forgive myself."

Eli barely heard Clare through her cries, muffled by her hands, but the little he made out stabbed him right through the heart. He sighed, suddenly wishing that he had somewhere to lay Adam, but his son was contently sipping from the bottle. He pressed a kiss to the child's head before looking back at his girlfriend. "Sit back," he ordered gently.

Clare moved to the headboard once more, her whole body shaking uncontrollably as tears poured from her reddening eyes. Eli pulled the bottle from AJ's mouth and set it aside. He gave his son a few firm pats on the back as he slid beside Clare. "Here," he mumbled, forcing their child into her arms.

Clare let out a shaky breath as she enveloped her son against her chest. She clutched him as tight as she dared, letting out another sob. "I'm so sorry, AJ." She paused to let out a gasp. "So, so sorry." She laid a kiss on his cheek, whispering, "I love you so much." She continued to pepper his face with kisses between her own small whimpers.

Eli reached out and gripped gently onto her bicep. "Shhhh. It's okay," he hushed, cuddling closer to her shuddering body. She curled into him, bracing Adam against her chest, as she quieted down. Eli sighed in relief when he felt her relax in his arms. He laid a kiss on top of her head before peering down between them at their sleeping son. He let out a chuckle, shaking his head, "He's so sleepy."

"So sleepy," Clare echoed quietly, rubbing the length of Adam's little back with her palm. "My sleepy little monster." She kissed his forehead with a sniffle. She lifted her gaze, whispering, "I'm so sorry, Eli."

Eli shook his head, assuring, "Don't apologize, my love." He closed the little distance between them to peck her on the mouth. "I'm not sorry," he informed, cupping her chin in his hand. Clare leaned into his touch as he stroked her damp cheek with his thumb. "I love you."

Clare strained a smile. She nodded, assuring, "I love you too. So fucking much." She let out whimper as his hand cradled her neck, lulling her into another kiss. One much deeper than before.


End file.
